When We Get It Wrong
Over the past several months, my student clinician, R. and I have been working with J. on executive functioning skills, and specifically, we’re working on time. We’re working on transitions, and making sure we allot enough time for a given activity so that when it’s time to transition, we can handle that transition without getting upset, and making sure that when someone calls us to the dinner table and we say “Ok one sec” and then don’t show up for another 20 minutes, that the person who called us might have a reason to be upset with us, especially when this happens every single night.
So R. and J. make a plan for each session, and they realize that just the planning of the plan takes up time, and they allot a certain amount of time for each activity, and we set a timer, and when the timer goes off, they transition to the next activity, according to the plan. And with each transition, R. checks in, and talks about how it might feel to leave an activity before it feels done, and then together, R. and J. make adjustments week to week that reflect their experiences.
It’s an experiment. To see whether we can fit in all we want to fit in, to a session that has a definite ending time. And I’m tempted to insert my opinion, having analyzed where they’re getting stuck as mostly an observer but also as someone who could swoop in and fix this problem by just omitting one or two of the activities, or cutting out some of the talking and the planning that they seem to spend so much time on. But where would the learning be in that?
On this day, maybe 6-7 weeks into this experiment, J. has a couple of “aha moments” that show me that the experiment is working. He reflects that they need to break down some of the activities even further, to set a timer for each of them to take their own turn. But the biggest “aha” is this: that it’s ok to change your plan in the middle if it’s not working out! It’s a tiny little comment, but a huge perspective shift.
When our time with J. is done for the day, R. and I spend some time with his mom, M., each week, to talk about anything that has come up for her this week and also about anything during our session that is useful for her to know so she can work it into her week with J. R. and I talk about J.’s “aha moments” and then M. talks about her own experience of making a plan, and sticking to that plan. She talks about how good she is about making solid plans, allotting the right amount of time to each errand she runs, so that she can be efficient with her time. And she tells us that she models this good planning for J., and how she’s glad he’s starting to see how to make a good plan, because she really doesn’t like it when her plan doesn’t work out, how frustrated and anxious she gets when an errand takes longer than expected, and then she can’t get it all done how she wanted. And then I have my “aha moment” of the day.
I tell M. that J. might learn something from all of her good planning, but that he is likely to learn so much more from her about what to do when the plan doesn’t work. She can model exactly what J. had realized that day while working with R., that sometimes, you have to change your plan in the middle if it’s not working out, and how to do that. I give M. some examples*:
Ugh, I’m so stressed out that I’m not going to have enough time to fit this last errand in. I can feel myself getting short tempered. I’m thinking about what I can do to calm myself down.
I’m wondering when I can make time later in the week to get this errand done.
Hmm, if I take the extra time now to do this errand, then I won’t have time to cook dinner. But we can get take out instead so that I can make sure to get this errand done.
If I don’t get this errand done now, your sister won’t have the things she needs for school tomorrow. I’m thinking about how that will feel for her.
Wow, I really did not handle the stress of those errands well. I totally lost my temper. I’m making a plan now so that next time I’m in a similar situation, I can use some strategies so I won’t yell at people.
M. gets it now too. So many times, as parents or therapists, we think that modeling the perfect behavior is how kids will learn from us, but I’m thinking that the truth is, they learn a whole lot more from us when we get it wrong, and what we do when we get it wrong. Because everyone gets it wrong some of the time. We can’t promise perfection (perfectionists - repeat this to yourself as often as you need to!), but I’m guessing we can all be a bit better at modeling our thinking and feeling in these moments. And when we don’t model being better, there’s space for recovery in that too!
*Statements like these are considered declarative language. For more information on how declarative language can be so important, check out Linda K. Murphy’s book, The Declarative Language Handbook: Using a Thoughtful Language Style to Help Kids with Social Learning Challenges Feel Competent, Connected, and Understood